From a Mayoral candidate apparently.
Let’s face it, Tower Hamlets is a bit of a dump innit? Have you seen the graffiti up Brick Lane? Incredible. No wonder it is being redeveloped. Some people like swimming in the green slime in the canals or Shadwell Basin (don’t!), others try and get into Canary Wharf on foot. Muppets. Everyone knows Canary Wharf is designed to keep the riff riff out, that’s why it is so difficult to walk there. No car? Sod off poor people!
We have many challenges and opportunities (yeah, right!) to try and improve Tower Hamlets so that more rich people can come and live here then the council will not have to do anything at all!
This is extra handy because that’s what the Council does already – fuck all. Six and a half thousand employees? Seriously? Why doesn’t any of them answer the phone?
To have a pointless debate about whatever I will be running to be the next Mayor of Tower Hamlets. I will stand as an independent candidate, a member of no political party.
Because… none of them will have me. Lib Dems? Done that. Conservatives? Done that.
Am I going to win? Am I fuck. But that is not why I am doing this. The main focus of my Mayoral campaign will be a raffle! Yep, if you come up with any idea that has the slightest chance of getting through Council you will win £500. Bargain. Tickets are available at any Youth Centre for £499 each. One per household please. Please note that the idea does not have to be of any practical use, it just needs to look nice. Something which gives me an excuse to get some school kids in and talk about climate something at Council would be idea. Or declaring something bleeding obvious as an emergency maybe?
Next May’s election will be a right shit show to be honest. Or competitive as some political commentator will say the first time a candidate’s house gets fire bombed. Oops!
Can’t be bothered to mention the other candidates because they might have policies and stuff and at least one of them is a girl. Yeuk! Girls! Of course my wife (pictured above, foxy huh?) is a girl too but that’s an ecumenical matter.
In addition to the fun raffle part of my campaign there will be an educational aspect explaining how the original 2010 vote to have a referendum on the whole directly-elected Mayor thing was rigged to get Lutfur in power, the 2010 election was rigged too (same purpose) and the less said about the 2014 the better. The 2015 one was a model of democratic process if you ignore the 600 coppers we needed to make it safe. Well, safeish. Eight of the coppers are still missing.
And please don’t tell everyone that nobody gets elected Mayor of this borough without the say-so of Islamic Forum Europe! Maybe we could add that as one of our attractions? An un-elected secret society controlling our borough? Or is that the Freemasons? Sounds the same. I
If you have any ideas don’t tell me because I am not interested, send them to the other mugs who are standing.
Now I have a minibus with eight seats going spare and the next stop is Hampshire! Yay! Any takers? Hmm… can’t really get 380,000 people in so will have to cook the books instead. That’s what we usually do round here! Anyway I am off to live somewhere decent with a working local authority, so see you whenever.
I have also set up a new Facebook group called Utter Bollocks, because that is what this all is, innit?
Andrew Wood is the best candidate. We all need to get Wood. Every one of us needs Wood. But Wood won’t happen without effort and stimulation. So I am going to be working hard between now and then to get Wood and then once he’s in, to sustain my Wood.
Vote for Andrew Wood.
He would be the best choice